Anatomy of Exhaustion!: December 2022

18th annual year in review. Getting closer to two whole decades of doing this!

Get ready for a long VULNERABLE post of quite a year!

What did you do in 2022 that you've never done before?

Had a child get married in June (Kieran)!

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions. I utilize power words. Last year was "Rest and Restore". Well due to life circumstances I didn't get as much as I would have liked but I made time to decompress and even took some time away for myself.

This next year's word is simply "BE". Just BE! I see those words and I fall into a tranquil state. I need more of that.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but Kieran is expecting our first grandchild in March. So that's another exciting thing on the horizon!

Did anyone close to you die?
Harley, our Border Collie. 😪 Christine McVie also passed away! While not close to me, Fleetwood Mac helped form me as a child and teen growing up on their music. They are my favorite and the most I have seen in concert.

What countries did you visit?
One of these days I might get to answer this. One day...

What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?

More quiet, peace, and rest! Less anxiety. No bad changes. Maybe fewer changes in general or at least preparation for them.

What date from 2022 will remain etched in your memory and why?
June 8th, Kieran's wedding date.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Enduring all of it.

Seriously this year was the year of many changes. Some good, some not-so-good, and some downright awful. Had two children move out, one get married and start college, and the other started a manager position at a local coffee shop just down the road and loves it. Got my house floors replaced and redid my living room. Lost one of our dogs, Harley right before leaving for a beach vacation. Broke down in our minivan on the way back from vacation in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma. The next vacation is in Tulsa because we aren't ready to drive far off yet. Got a bonded pair of small lab sisters. I did get another certification as a Board Certified Cognitive Specialist. I have also delved head-first into neurodiversity-affirming research and advocacy. I applied to a Ph.D. program that is very competitive. I am trying not to hold my breath. But it would allow me to research my focused interest in neurodiversity and business. I also got my own official diagnosis of Autism. All these changes brought out somewhat shutdown and meltdown modes I had kept contained in previous years. I realized that I needed to go ahead and get the diagnosis. It has actually been a good thing and has given me a lot of peace about a lot of things in my life and growing up. I have also done a couple of recent presentations for other therapists on providing Neurodiversity-Afiirming therapy.

Another big change is I pulled Ridlee from public school and started homeschool. She too was shutting down and while I was ambivalent at first, I have no doubt it was the right decision. She is in play therapy and is soon to start back in Speech and also Equine therapy, She actually did really good with horses in the past, so we thought it would be great for her.

When the bigs moved out, I redid Gage's old room and got it all ready for Ryker since it was his first time having a room to himself. It's a dark green Kirby-themed room. I did Kieran's for Ridlee, but at least I didn't have to paint that one. I deep-cleaned all three of their rooms. Now all three kiddos have their own room. Honestly, I am pretty proud of that.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Steven and I finally got Covid in November. We thought it was a cold but it just was lasting longer than one. I am pretty sure we got it from Ridlee, who got it from Kieran and Carson. Luckily none of us got very sick at all. We attribute that to the shots and also taking vitamins. I still take glutathione daily. I swear by that stuff. I do take some other stuff as well.

What was the best thing you bought?
Floor replacement. Wedding stuff. It was absolutely beautiful. And we didn't go crazy. Honestly, we got off pretty cheap because I made the flowers and did a lot of stuff myself and we got lucky and blessed with some other things and got the beautiful dress off Etsy. We were smart.

I also invested some time in myself. I took a weekend to myself for my birthday and in the fall. For the Fall one, I tagged on some time with my sister and mom in Chester and stayed in a Yurt, which was really cool. I stayed in a cabin by myself at Lake Ft. Smith the other part.

Where did most of your money go?
See above.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ambivalent excited - Kieran's wedding. I was happy the youngest three got their own room. I guess there was some excitement about finally getting my diagnosis. I could go on a spill about that, but diagnosis is a privilege. I did write about it in a previous blog. I am excited about my grandson coming in the late winter/early Spring.

What scripture is a theme of 2022?

So this year has brought a difficult thing for me in the sense that it has been extremely difficult to make myself go to church. I find myself extremely anxious in that setting and I am having a lot of struggles in general about the direction of the church and the overlap of politics in the past several years. I have reached out to a mentor to discuss this. Because this is such a hard spot to be in. My faith is not smaller. And in some ways, I have grown in it. But my church attendance has diminished.

My scripture theme is not one but a general theme of Jesus' love driving all things. Because that is where my disdain for the church is coming to a head. The politics of things has replaced love with judgment. Even the connotation of Christianity has been intertwined with nationalism and that just breaks my heart. I have to be careful of wordage with some because they feel Christians are automatically tied to something that I am not tied to. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. Forget the terminology behind it. I follow his ideals of love and lead with that. I have seen so much in my therapy office of individuals being turned away from the church and God by the treatment of so-called "Christians" who think they are doing God's work when they are literally turning people away from him. Religious trauma is becoming more and more commonplace and again, it is breaking my heart.

Compared to this time last year are you:
a. Happier or sadder? I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle with more sadness this year because of some of the things I listed prior. But there has been a lot of good and again I am filled with gratitude. I am very content. I try to stay on top of not going into shutdown mode from sheer pushing too hard. That will always be a thing with me due to my brain. I don't do idle. But finding balance is very important. I think the concept of Hedonistic Adaptation comes into play here. Regardless of the things are super good or bad, inevitably we will come back to some type of baseline. Content is my baseline.

b. Thinner or fatter? Seeing how my trainer left at the beginning of the year after getting Covid I admit I fell off that wagon slowly. But for the past week, I have been back on it and I am feeling better already. I haven't weighed myself and I still fit in my clothes just not as comfortably.

c. Richer or poorer? One of the other changes I have had this year is hiring another therapist and another soon when she gets her LPC. My Allied Collaborative has steadily grown. With that have come more duties and working out a lot of kinks. But it's starting to become the dream I had imagined it to be. It is now 1 of 2 neurodiversity-affirming practices in the state of Arkansas and the only one in NWA. So yeah, it would have to be on the richer side. And I did work a lot prior to the wedding to not be in debt. I should point out, I don't grow my businesses for money or even for the sake of growth. I don't even desire to grow them past a point (KCS is where I want it to be). At some point when stress grows beyond a certain point, there is no need for growth. You don't attain more happiness from it. Look at that Hedonistic Adaptation for reference. I just like to get to a point where it is helping those around me and making a difference like it should and the general risk of being in business is passed.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
More rest. But time and demands (gosh I hate demands) just didn't allow it.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being anxious. Way past just worry. With my autism diagnosis, I also got Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In the end, most things worked out. Most of them. The things that didn't wasn't because of me, it was because of life.

How did you spend Christmas?
At home with just our 8, and opposite of the year prior. It was very cold and sub-zero temps a couple of days prior.

Did you fall in love in 2022?
My love and focused interest in neurodiversity and advocacy grew and together have ignited some research and Ph.D. goals.

What was your favorite TV show?
Stranger Things and Wednesday

What was the best book you read?
Different, not Less by Chloe Hayden. Also enjoyed Devon Price's Unmasking Autism. I did read a lot this year so I am sure there are some others I have forgotten.

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2022? I am changing this to music that got me through 2022.

My Silver Lining - First Aid Kit (Lyrics hit the nail on the head)
Waiting for Something to Believe In - Allman Brown (he is my musical discovery this year) Lyrics hit hard and are my mood that led to a lot of shutdowns.
Moonlight - Allman Brown (I cry thinking about our dog Harley with this one)
Sons and Daughters - Allman Brown (perfect for when you marry off a child)
Aberdeen - Avi Kaplan (Just suited my mood a lot)

And something more upbeat. Taylor Swift's new album is awesome and I have worn it out. Anti-Hero is hitting me hard.

What did you want and get?
- Beautiful Wedding for daughter

- Long hard fought diagnosis.

What did you want and not get?
A lot more rest. I got some, just not enough!

What was your favorite film this year?
I didn't see much this year. Another real change from the previous Jessica. The Batman was pretty good. The Secrets of Dumbledore was alright. I think we saw Thor in the theaters. I liked it ok.

What did you do on your birthday?
Spent the weekend close to it by myself in a lake house to unwind and recoup. It was so nice! I need to do this every year.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I would be just repeating myself with the rest. Honestly, not losing Harley and having that incident with the neighbors whose dogs broke into our yard and attacked her. But we adopted two in her place. I feel that is only fitting. I would have loved for my outdoor office to have been finished as a place to seclude to, but when the incident occurred with the dogs, Steven took the rest of the summer to make a perfect fence down that side that I don't have to see into their yard or see those dogs. Their fence wasn't reliable and we were tired of trusting them to fix it. So my office didn't get much if any attention to it. I need to hire someone to finish it because Steven is busy finishing his other Master's degree for his admin transition.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?
Comfort and surviving. I still like my sweaters.

What kept you sane?
Time alone, prayer, God, hope, family. Starting a neurodiversity therapy blog on social media. Allman Brown. My music.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I didn't notice much of them this year. Henry Cavill is still my favorite. And he has been done wrong this year. But he has his head high.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Good grief, I hate politics. I grow more disdainful daily. The divide has literally caused me to be sick to my stomach on many occasions.

Time to quote one of the songs from earlier because it is my thought on politics and the church:

I'm tired, so tired of thisMy soul's too heavy and I can't carry itI'm tired, so tired of thisWhere did the kindness go?When did being good get old?It's hard sometimes, but I'm never going to give up on hope

And pretty much the rest of the song, Waiting for Something to Believe In by Allman Brown.

Who did you miss?
Harley

Who was the best new person you met?
From last year but still fits: I struggled more socially this year (hello pandemic mixed with neurodivergence).

I met some new interns and great clients but overall it has been a low social year and honestly, it still feels too much.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.

From last year: My brain while different is fine and makes me really good at several things. I got some closure on a lot of things related to my neurodivergence and I still learning how it relates to a lot of things and how I view things.

This year adding in: It's ok to be vulnerable and not be ok. Shutdowns will come for me if I don't try and prevent them.

What is something shocking that happened this year?
Harley passing. Kieran expecting a honeymoon baby. Interesting, death and life side by side.

This was by far the most vulnerable one of these I have ever done in the 18 years I have been doing them. Really hoping 2023 will be better!

Allman Brown, thanks for the great music that helped me get through this year.

I had two presentations in October where I presented on Culturally Responsive Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy. One was at the ArCA state conference and the other was a few days later at the NWArMHCA meeting. These were presentations I had spent months preparing for. I felt they went well and I covered a lot of good info. Afterward, I was finally able to spend some time finishing up a Ph.D. application for the University of Central Arkansas in Change Leadership in Equity and Inclusion. This program is a tough one to get into and they only take about 33% of applicants, so I may not get in, but I felt I needed to at least apply. I hope to do more research on Neurodiversity in Business, etc.

Not long after I applied I ended up getting sick with Covid for the first time since the pandemic started. I got it from Ridlee who got it from Carson and Kieran. We thought they had a cold until several days into mine and I tested positive. While it wasn't a short stent, I and Steven got a relatively mild case. Mine lasted nearly 2 weeks but the whole time was like a cold that just lingered and wouldn't go away. I was still able to see clients and work, thankful for telehealth. I am just now feeling normal again and got to take a 3-mile walk for the first time in two weeks. I need to start getting back into things now. With Christmas right around the corner, I am needing some relaxation and peace. I didn't really even get any of that while sick. Also, there is some family-of-origin issues going on with my family that are relatively stressful and I am worried about my mom and dad's health.

It's hard to believe in around 3 months I will be a grandma. But with 2023 right around the corner, there is a lot to be thankful for but also ambivalent because of all the changes.

This is our black Christmas tree this year. We lent our white one to Kieran and Carson and gave Gage our smaller one for his apartment.