Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Work still sucks!

And that is all I have to say about that. Nothing new. Sorry for the let down.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Hate the constant dread!!

Every weekend it is the same. Even though I have tomorrow off I dread going back to work on Tuesday. It is always the same, and they wonder why I want out. Now when I am there it is ok most of the time, but stressful none the less. I talked to my mom the other night and while she is supportive, she doesn't understand why I can't just take a leave of absense instead of quitting altogether. Why I would love to take a leave of abscense I do not think it will help in the long run. I mean the problem is the job itself. The constant being away from my family, having the stress of the judicial system every week ( I mean if you have it once a year it is bad enough but every freaking week), and the ability to get burnt out on school and everything else I hold dear. At least Steven is being supportive, but I know he just wants the best for me. I am crying as I type this, I guess part of that is being pregnant, I have been an emotional wreck. Why do I feel like I am trapped? This job is like a prison term! Nobody cares about the welfare of our caseworkers, yet they complain of the high turnover rate. I have suggested contracting out a counselor for us but of course I get that laughed at. And why is it so freaking hard to get more hirees to lessen caseloads? I mean they interview a bunch of people, then "packets" get sent to the state office and then it takes 2 months to hire someone. I mean why?? And hire freezes, I don't understand that! So they think we are almost fully staffed...Ha, that is a joke. we will not be fully staffed until we can get enoug workers to get the work done. It may be ok for the state to assume we won't get everything done but yet at the same time hold us accountable for it. It is just rididuculous! They don't care, and the problem continues. No wonder people hate DHS! Ok I need to stop I am on a tangent...again. But I swear nobody else will listen.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Just got over being the sickest...

I have ever been. It started a week ago from Tuesday, came and went until Friday when it hit like a freight train. I threw up and then had the other. Got so bad had to have my Dr. call in a prescription because I was dehydrated. Thought I was going to have to go to the ER, kept putting it off. Finally it stopped Sunday morning, luckily the day I had a 90 minute massage scheduled which was to be my valentines gift. I remember telling Steven that I don't remember ever feeling that bad. It was awful. The lady giving me the massage said I had so many knots, she literally had to knead them out. I am not surprised. Parts of it were painful but I felt so much better afterwards. I need to get small ones about every 3 months.

On another but similar note, I managed to tell my superviser and his superviser today that they need to start looking for a replacement for me today. Of course I even told them I would stay for a few months, but they were still trying to talk me out of it. Managed to have me wait until Monday April 3rd, to make up my official mind. I told them I was pregnant and that I want to quit by then, they made it sound like I could just tae maternity leave and the world would be perfect. I don't like putting my babies in daycare. I have always stayed home with them when they were little and plan to do the same with this one. I will not neglect my family for a job that stresses me out for a reason that I cannot comprehend. I feel releaved since telling them so I know it was the right choice. Just not the right one to them. While there are other working moms there, there are none that are going to school, to me just listening to all this stuff I do makes me sick, even more having to actually do them. I have even decided to not graduate when I was going to and take less hours each semester and go at a smoother pace. I am competing with no one, yet I feel like I am running a race that cannot be won. I will need prayers in this time. Prayers for an opportunity to stay home and do something there instead of working at DHS which in the end will kill me, and that my boss's will understand and support me, and also look for a replacement so I don't leave people in a bind. That was the reason in the first place I went to them, and they made it sound like it is not that easy. Oh well, guess they will see!

Saturday, February 04, 2006


Well the kiddos are at their grannys for the weekend, but apparently they are coming down with something. This happens everytime. I hate sending them down. I have no idea how they get sick each and everytime. Kieran has some diarrhea and Gage is getting a fever and a runny nose...he hardly ever gets sick. Steven and I have been trying to enjoy our weekend alone. We went out to a quiet bistor last night and then went and watched a movie. We did the same thing tonight. Wow aren't we exciting. Next Friday is their Kids Night Out at the Athletic Club that they had so much fun at a few weeks ago. Wow two weekends in a row that we get to go do something. Sadly we will probably do the same thing we did this weekend. This is exactly why we have kids, I get so bored easy just the two of us. I have no clue how we will do when they are all grown. We better be taking cruises and traveling the world to prevent me into going into a midlife crises.

Work is the same. I did tell my supervisor I was getting burnt out, he of course kept telling me it will get better. Same thing they all say, but I am having my doubts. This job never ends and I wonder sometimes if we really do make a difference. I am not even sure I want to do my practicum there or internship. Even though staying there would be the only place I would get paid to do them, I just am not sure that is what I want. Being pregnant has been really getting to me as far as I am not sure I want to push myself and graduate when I thought I wanted to. It just doesn't seem as important to do so now. I wont be surprised if I am one of those women who gets all these degrees and good experience only to stay at home with the kids, which would be fine enough for me. Everything else seems so trivial right now.

Well our preacher from our church we have been going to lately is coming over tomorrow after lunch. I am sure he will be asking about our interest in the church. I would love to finally get more involved here. Seems like forever since I was "part" of one. I am a little reluctant to leave my church back in Oklahoma because I grew up there. But I do realize I can't be there. I do like this church, it is what we were looking for in one, and I think God is showing us this is the place for us while we are in Arkansas. At least let's hope so. Well starting to get nauseas better go eat something.