The past few weeks have been a battle. There was one point I thought I wasn't going to make it. You hear of those celebrities that check themselves into rehab for "exhaustion" and think "yeah, whatever". I finally understood, but I still think being in a hotel with room service is more my style. But that didn't happen either. After we closed on the house, we started the process of painting the walls in some of the rooms. A day or two later I find out I am pregnant. I feel apprehensive about mentioning that on here but realize my blog is more for me than for others and I need to remember the time this occurred for my own benefit. I was happy as usual but very anxious as it seemed everything was happening at once. It literally took me day to get used to the idea and have everything mapped out. That's me, I roll with the punches. I start my regimen of prometrium and literally a week and half later I start bleeding. WTF!!! I hate that feeling. The feeling of panic, fear, hope, and every other negative feeling mixed together. Prayers start going, I go to ER. Things look ok. Blood tests commence. Other trips to Talequah ensue for follow up tests and then I finally get the answer I dreaded. I am miscarrying. All of this smack dab in the middle of hell week. We were painting every evening after work. I am working three, count them 3 jobs during the week. The weekend coming up was the final full class weekend for my Advanced Play Therapy, meaning I had to squeeze in 3 huge assignments in the midst of all this and then not get a break on the weekend because I spent all the time in class. It sucked and I didn't have even a moment to grieve.
This week has been busy but somewhat calmer. No papers, no assignments, and no class this weekend. Steven is working in Oklahoma today and Heston is being difficult but it's still somewhat of a break. My third job should be ending soon as I was a fill in for a friend at the hospital while waiting for someone to hire. Referrals have picked up on my contract and private stuff so I really need these 2 days back. I may only be there one more week hopefully. We have until the end of May to move. It's been a slow process due to everything going on. Most of the inside is painted with the exception of the boy's one wall each for a chalkboard wall. We start moving actual stuff this week. I dread that part. But it needs to happen so I can get on with everything else.
The miscarriage is constantly in my mind. They never get easier. This is my 5th child lost. And of course with each loss comes with a need and desire to try again full force. Yeah, I am not like typical people. I am broken somewhere. I realize that there is a 5th child in my future and he or she will likely be the last. I am trusting it in God's hands and his timing. I find when I give it to him things tend to work out so much better than if I try to control the situation.
I have promised myself a massage soon. So finding the time for that is going to be a chore. But it needs to happen. I have not been this emotionally drained in many years.