Saturday, October 06, 2012

No rest for the weary...

In all seriousness, this blog will always be who I am. Exhaustion is the bane of my existence. I used to believe that it will slow down after a certain event, i.e. school is over, after the holidays, as soon as he is 2 so on and so on. I realize it will always be there waiting for me. Sure retirement will occur one of these days. Of course by then I will be so tired that I wont be able to really enjoy it. Dreams of real vacations are almost non-existence. I may never get to go on a real vacation. I may never get to go on a cruise. I may never get to sleep in some Caribbean hut with mosquito nets. I may never get to stay in a ski lodge in the mountains. Right now they seem only things I see on TV.

This week has been nothing but a continuous effort of the planets to remind me of what my life has become. Every day after work I had to either work on insurance paneling applications, complete assignments for my play therapy class, or try and finish getting my LADAC application complete to send in. Granted by the end of the week I have gotten done a lot of things. LADAC application was mailed yesterday, after going 4 different places to get it flippin notarized. I dont even want to talk about that. It makes me too mad to think about it. Four different insurance applications were completed. I got a video and paper done for my class. And somehow in the midst of all of this I have still managed family time. Even just this second I had to intervene with Heston getting into something that he doesnt need to be in. I swear that kid is already in the terrible twos and is into EVERYTHING! Our barricades blocking him from both entrances into the kitchen fail miserably all day. If he finds an inch he can and will squeeze through it.

I have gotten to where I really cant enjoy weekends. Steven works with his Dad in OKLAHOMA (were in Arkansas) on most Saturdays. This makes it to where I am a single mom Friday night until late Saturday. I miss out on a lot of stuff. Including rest. Today my mood is just sour. I am tired and despondent. Dont get me wrong, I love my family and I love my job. I just cant help but think how can I enjoy them when I am constantly tired and wore out from doing it all. Steven is the same way. He is working on his National Boards and goes to bed late and up early every morning for teaching and he still wants to work for his dad on Saturdays. Even if we chose not to have kids our lives would still be hectic. The kids are just the reminder of why we really do it. It would be nice for small breaks though. They are just so few and far in between. Next weekend is the boys party. BUT the weekend after that is our annual womens retreat at Lake Ft. Smith. The last 2 years going have been such an awesome blessing. Last year I was 36 weeks pregnant and thinking I could go into labor anytime. But I still had fun and managed to even play Dancing games on the Wii. This year I am only going Thursday and Friday but not staying overnight as Heston still sleeps with me and cant sleep without me. He is also still nursing. Saturday I cant go because I have my play therapy class. So what little break I was going to get is once again cut short. But, alas I will still take what I can get.

What I long for
What I have become

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