Warning, long vulnerable post ahead!
Hopefully, I can weed out those not interested.
I have been debating for a long time about this, but I feel it’s time. Especially since recently, I read something along the lines that keeping this a secret is not necessarily Neurodiversity-affirming. Those who are close to me or within my professional circle already know this, so this is no secret to them. Others may have found out from others or from reading between the lines, which is fine. And honestly, it really shouldn’t be that much of a secret if you really did know me. And I have hinted for several years but it wasn’t “official” until last year.
Sadly, the fear I have isn’t even the stigma attached but the stereotypes and ignorance that many hold, which pushes them to dispute it. So let me save those who would be tempted to do so, to move right along or even remove yourself from my friend page. I promise no offense will be taken. This is difficult enough as it is. But for those willing to learn and be educated or be better informed, please stick around. I promise this post will be just the first of many educational spots on this topic.
So right to it…
Five years ago, when she was 4, I took Ridlee for her official testing for what I thought was Pragmatic Communication Disorder, I found that for many of the questions I was answering “yes” for her, I was also answering “yes” to in my head about myself. Many of these things I didn’t do in front of others but had done since I was little. We walked away that day with an official autism diagnosis for her, but in my mind, I left with more questions about myself than I did her. Ridlee is me without a mask or cover. She is so free-spirited and uncaring about hiding who she is and I absolutely envied that and still do.
From then on, I jumped head in on reading, researching, and educating myself about her and myself. I have read no less than 100 books, articles, blogs, etc. on the topic. Not all were exactly accurate or what I know today as Neurodiversity-affirming. But still, I learned a lot along the way. And every day I still am. Within a couple of years, I opened up to those in my family about my suspicions. Surprisingly, most were not surprised.
I delved more into this specialty and tried to absorb everything I could get my hands on. I began another business that specialized in this population and began an MBA at the same time. The timing of these two events occurred at the same time that the pandemic hit. While some of my business plans changed, both plans continued to move forward. The pandemic hit me hard and made a lot of my struggles harder to hide/mask. Apparently being away from crowds for 2 years has done this to a lot of us. My sensory challenges increased and my social anxiety skyrocketed. Last year as I was planning a wedding for my daughter who was the same age I was when I had the absolute worst year of my life (but also the same year I got married), I started having some meltdowns and shutdowns. And these were starting to affect my functioning. I made the decision to go for official testing for myself. This can be somewhat of a difficult task when most of the testers in the area knew me from my referrals for my clientele. I was even willing to go out of state, but as luck would have it a new one came into the area and didn’t know me… yet!
The testing occurred on two separate days and the wait for my results seemed like forever, it really wasn’t. Steven also took part and even scored me lower in communication than I did myself (side eyes husband). When the day of the results came, I was officially given the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. So, there it was. OFFICIALLY! It’s rather odd how when you think something you can only go so far, but when that official diagnosis is given, you all of a sudden have to start looking back on everything in your life to connect the dots. And let me tell you that was hard. Really freaking hard!! But there is a lot that starts to make a lot of sense.
For example…
My epilepsy.
My word aphasia, made worse from the seizures years ago.
My affinity for pattern recognition, including reading humans! My so-called sixth sense was actually just my brain reading patterns in humans.
My social anxiety and the drain after.
My huge justice principle! Apparently, this is a common thing with autistics. My speaking out for things even if I am alone in my opinion.
Me annoying my friends during my teen years by telling them they were doing stupid stuff. Sorry y’all.
My hyper annoyance at times. Sorry, this was the few times I dropped the mask. Hyperness in general, I guess.
My shutdowns or need to be away from humans at times.
My meltdowns as a child/teen and even some along the way as an adult. Hello temper! Sorry for those on the opposite side of that.
My long list of sensory issues.
My masking. Quite common in female autistics.
Me feeling different in school and not knowing why. Especially when I was perhaps, ostracized at times in middle school, and junior high.
My confusion about many concepts that I hid. Ex: I didn’t even know why people raised their hands in Kindergarten. I always just had to figure things out on my own because I refused to ask questions.
My written expression being much easier than my verbal. Especially when I am angry and unable to communicate verbally as well as I like.
My overexplaining. Years of being misunderstood will do that.
My demand avoidance. And why I tend to get attitudes with those in authority if they use a rude tone.
My rumination and hamster wheel of a brain that won’t shut off at night. Or when it won’t let things go in general and consumes me for days.
My tendency to research my focused interests into the ground and info-dump to those around me. Again, sorry y’all.
My desire to learn and never feeling done or good with what I have. Took a while to get this one going as a child I held myself back from this. The opposite of the gifted child persona.
My perfectionism and the wear and tear that comes with it.
My growth mindset, which is an offshoot of the latter.
My dancing for hours without taking a break. I didn’t have to mask this one. It’s one of the few things I didn’t care if I did.
My hyper empathy. The stereotype of autistics not having empathy is actually the exact opposite.
My high shame meter. I beat myself up, I don’t need anyone else to do it for me. But that shame at least motivates me to do better. Which is why I don’t drink and haven’t in over 17+ years.
Goodness, the list goes on.
>>>>>>>
So, where am I at now with this? Still processing. But now openly.
My practice is a lived experience practice. And apparently, there is a huge need for autistic therapists. And yes there are a lot more than you think out there. Both practices are Neurodiversity-affirming and strength-based. The neurodiversity-affirming autistic world is huge and my guess is the majority of individuals don’t even know what that entails. But I will say that it’s led by autistics and we are determined to change the way autism is seen by the world.
My advocacy has picked up. I am trying to open myself up to various possibilities if it can increase advocacy. I wrote a book in 5 weeks about my biggest autism struggle… shutdown and all the variables that come with that. It’s 175+ pages, 77 references, multiple resources, and part memoir. Talk about an info-dump. I have no idea when that will be out, but it will eventually, I promise.
A few months ago, after looking for many months for a Ph.D. program where I can use both my Master's degrees and do research in neurodiversity and business, I found a program that was highly competitive. On the very same day that Kieran was giving birth to my first grandbaby, I received my acceptance letter via email just as she was about to start pushing. Shocked and excited didn’t even begin to describe what I felt, for both things. This program is at UCA in Change Leadership for Equity and Inclusion with an emphasis on Community Leadership. They accepted me knowing I was autistic and wanted to research neurodiversity. I honestly thought this might be a hindrance but was a risk I was willing to take. I start in the Fall. I am also going to Vancouver, BC, Canada in the Fall for a conference, as part of this program. It’s also the same week I have another conference in Denver, so looks like I will be all over that week.
So, there you have it. I would like to invite those who are interested to follow my advocacy page if you would like to learn more about my journey and neurodiversity-affirming practices. https://www.facebook.com/TherAutist
I will end by sharing some other famous autistics, which you may know or not know about.
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