In all seriousness, this blog will always be who I am.
Exhaustion is the bane of my existence. I used to believe that it will slow
down after a certain event, i.e. school is over, after the holidays, as soon as
he is 2… so on
and so on. I realize it will always be there waiting for me. Sure retirement
will occur one of these days. Of course by then I will be so tired that I won’t be able
to really enjoy it. Dreams of real vacations are almost non-existence. I may
never get to go on a real vacation. I may never get to go on a cruise. I may
never get to sleep in some Caribbean hut with mosquito nets. I may never get to
stay in a ski lodge in the mountains. Right now they seem only things I see on
TV.
This week has been nothing but a continuous effort of the
planets to remind me of what my life has become. Every day after work I had to either
work on insurance paneling applications, complete assignments for my play
therapy class, or try and finish getting my LADAC application complete to send
in. Granted by the end of the week I have gotten done a lot of things. LADAC
application was mailed yesterday, after going 4 different places to get it
flippin notarized. I don’t even want to talk about that.
It makes me too mad to think about it. Four different insurance applications
were completed. I got a video and paper done for my class. And somehow in the midst
of all of this I have still managed family time. Even just this second I had to
intervene with Heston getting into something that he doesn’t need to
be in. I swear that kid is already in the terrible two’s and is
into EVERYTHING! Our barricades blocking him from both entrances into the
kitchen fail miserably all day. If he finds an inch he can and will squeeze
through it.
I have gotten to where I really can’t enjoy
weekends. Steven works with his Dad in OKLAHOMA (we’re in
Arkansas) on most Saturdays. This makes it to where I am a single mom Friday
night until late Saturday. I miss out on a lot of stuff. Including rest. Today
my mood is just sour. I am tired and despondent. Don’t get me
wrong, I love my family and I love my job. I just can’t help
but think how can I enjoy them when I am constantly tired and wore out from
doing it all. Steven is the same way. He is working on his National Boards and
goes to bed late and up early every morning for teaching and he still wants to
work for his dad on Saturdays. Even if we chose not to have kids our lives would
still be hectic. The kids are just the reminder of why we really do it. It
would be nice for small breaks though. They are just so few and far in between.
Next weekend is the boys party. BUT the weekend after that is our annual women’s retreat
at Lake Ft. Smith. The last 2 years going have been such an awesome blessing.
Last year I was 36 weeks pregnant and thinking I could go into labor anytime.
But I still had fun and managed to even play Dancing games on the Wii. This
year I am only going Thursday and Friday but not staying overnight as Heston
still sleeps with me and can’t sleep without me. He is
also still nursing. Saturday I can’t go
because I have my play therapy class. So what little break I was going to get
is once again cut short. But, alas I will still take what I can get.
What I long for…
What I have become…
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