5 weeks and exhausted!

Not sure if it is the prometrium or the pregnancy but I have been so exhausted. Of course I still managed to work 44 hours this week even though I took Tuesday off to stay home with Kieran because of her pneumonia. Again I am super stressed and anxious about work. I realize that it will not get better. They keep telling me it will get better, just hang on! Please it's been 6 months, it has only gotten harder. I have gotten three new cases in the past month, one is a doozy!! And being pregnant has just made me realize even more how stressful it is. I am constantly asked by co-workers and fellow students "how do you do it?" And honestly I don't know. I guess it is only God. I trully pray that I will not have to be like this for the rest of my life.

Well I am happy that I have made it this far in my pregnancy. Of course with the prometrium I won't really know anything until the ultrasound, which is on the 6th of February. Steven is going to miss class to go with me which I am glad..just hoping I really don't need him (if you get my drift)! I am not sure if my symptoms are from the pregnancy or the progesterone. That is making it somewhat hard to enjoy this pregnancy. However I am sure I will have my regular worries as well as the other added ones anyway, symptoms or not.

I am really glad the weekend is here. It's the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing I get to spend some time with my family on the weekends. I start to resent my job on somedays and I had a couple of those days this week. Nobody says thank you. Everyone just expects you to do things on a whim, even though you are already overbooked as it is. It's so funny on some days I hate it other days I am ok with it. This week I am sure has a lot to do with the fact I am tired and pregnant. My prayer tonight will be for God to give me strength to make it through this job, or to allow anothe avenue to come this way, whichever he deems fit. Ok I about to pass out from exhaustion so I am going for now.

Well I was right!

I went to the Dr. today and had a pap, blood hcg, and progesterone test done. I am again pregnant and my progesterone is low. She prescribed me some prometirum inserts. So at least I know now why I miscarried, but am a little angry that all it took was a blood test and I could have prevented at least one miscarriage, possibly.

And on top of that Kieran has pneumonia in her left lung. The Dr. gave her a shot of antibiotics and said if she didn't get better by tomorrow he would admit her. Well luckily she is feeling a lot better so hopefully he won't admit her.

Tody has been an emotional rollercoaster!! I am drained. I so need a vacation. I told my superviser that I will be taking one in March.

Here we go again~

I am 16 dpo. I am too scared to test. My boobs are not sore, I did start having cramping a few days ago, thought AF was coming, she never did. I do have an appt. tomorrow with a gyno. to discuss my miscarriages. I am sure she will test me. Sadly I have no idea how I will handle the results either way. I am using fertility friend and of course their test date is like 8 days away because they want to make sure you don't test to early and in my case I can see why. I don't know if it's this or the fact I had to get out of bed at the crack of dawn to go on a call, but I am so blah right now. I did try to get a nap earlier and got another call that woke me up pretty good, luckily I didn't have to go out on that one. I am finally learning to push the stress of work out of mind. Maybe it's because I did pass my panel last Friday, yay, i'm officially not a trainee and I get a raise. Still I am blah right now. I didn't even care that my Broncos got beat. Now that is sad. Oh well there is always next year, good job for making it this far.
Ok this sucks, I can't even get excited about possibly being pregnant even though I want to be so bad. I really don't want to go through this again. But I put myself out there. Well I am going to go get something to eat. I need to get my mind on something else.

Ecclectic post today!

I started on call again, today wasn't bad though so I am not too upset. Got in touch with a childhood friend whom I haven't seen in years, very good. Had a kids night out tonight. The kids got to go to a local charity even which is sponsored through the Fayetteville Athletic Club and the get to spend an evening eating pizza, watching movies, playing and doing all kinds of neat stuff. And Steven and I finally get to go out by ourselves...at night. Usually we could only be alone together during lunch hour. It was nice and I think the kids had fun. I kind of feel sorry for the people working there though, I was asking all kinds of questions, finally Steven had to tell them, "she works at DHS, and she worries!" My trust with people and kids is not what others are. I see the worst so I of course assume it. But I also see what happens to children who are sheltered too much.

So what do Steven and I do for our date. We go to the shooting range, and shoot his new toy a 380 automatic he got for his birthday...boy do those kick! I was nervous the whole time, those things give me the whillies. I almost respect them too much (ok maybe not). Then we went to eat, then to Wal-Mart, and three hours later we go and pick up the kids. Maybe next time we will watch a movie.

2005; A year in Review

Yes Amie I stole this from you, I actually like these things and can't beleive I didn't do one myself already, oh well!

What did you do in 2005 that you've never done before?
Get a job that actually pays decent.

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I think one that I didn't do was run a 5k run. I did run a lot more, just never entered into a run. My only resolution this year is to not make any.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Several of the OB ladies.

Did anyone close to you die?
No. And that means it was a good year.

What countries did you visit?
None.

What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A housekeeper and more time.

What date from 2005 will remain etched in your memory and why?
August 23rd..my birthday, also the day I was miscarrying, and also the day one of my ex-friends had the audacity to call me complaining about how crappy she is feeling knowing what I was going through and then she forgot to tell me happy birthday. That was the day I realized she is self-centered and I no longer want to be friends with her. That is also the day my dad came to see me from Oklahoma and took me out to dinner. Thats also the day that Jason and Daniel my two best guy friends got me a very sweet gift from Bath and Body. Overall it was the day I realized why I am mostly friends with guys.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting the ball rolling on our non-profit.

What was your biggest failure?
Losing two pregnancies.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
No injuries only minor illnesses...again good year.

What was the best thing you bought?
After all these years I finally bought me a good coat.

Where did most of your money go?
Probably Christmas stuff and clothing throughout the year.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My non-profit.

What scripture is a theme of 2005?
Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Yes my email and senior quote. But it's true of me every single day.

Compared to this time last year are you:
a. Happier or sadder? Happier.
b. Thinner or fatter? Seeing how I was at an all time low at this time last year I would have to say fatter.
c. Richer or poorer? Richer. Got a good paying job.
What do you wish you'd done more of?
Always spend more time with my family.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Definately, less time on the computer.

How did you spend Christmas?
With my family!!! Christmas Eve at the grannys and Christmas day here at home with just US. Nice and Relaxing.

Did you fall in love in 2005?
Just with my same family again and again.

What was your favorite TV show?
The few times I get to watch TV, I like Law and Order SVU, CSI, and Discovery Health shows.

What was the best book you read?
Falling Leaves..very sad.

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2005?
None that I can think of.

What did you want and get?
A job that pays good.

What did you want and not get?
More time, and someone to do our non-profit paperwork for free, ironically though I have someone to do that this year.

What was your favorite film this year?
The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

What did you do on your birthday?
see above.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting a grant already.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Comfy but trendy.

What kept you sane?
Alone time an sleep.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hmm, none are coming to me right now.

What political issue stirred you the most?
One from around here..Our legislators are more itnerested in not educating out illegal immigrants than trying to stop our children from being sexually abused. That will change if I have something to say about it.

Who did you miss?
My friend Charlette.

Who was the best new person you met?
Heather Van Brunt, my co-worker and my new Co-Director. Girl where have you been!

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
Even my best people reading skills cannot read someone when they are suffering from a Mental Illness. I learned why I have difficulty in trusting people.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I'm in a hurry to get things done, I rush and rush until lifes no fun, all I really have to do is live and die , but im in a hurry and don't know why."

Very Lucky!

This week has been stressful of course, like every other one in the past 6 months. On Friday on my way back from the last visit I had of the week, I was turning into our subdivision off of the highway when I felt a very large jolt/ram. Immediately I realized I had been rear ended, so instinctively I punched the gas and went forward. As soon as I got the car on the side of the road I got out to check on the other car, just glimpsing at my car I saw nothing. Upon going to the car that had hit me I realized that there were 3 other cars involved. The guy that hit me had been rear ended and that guy had been rear ended by another. It was a domino effect. The guy behind me had two kids in his but they were all ok, the guy behind him had hurt his neck but was otherwise ok. The guy that caused the wreck had a hurt hand, but otherwise everyone was ok. I called 911 and while waiting for the cops to come I went and looked over at my car and was just amazed that there was no damage. Other than some paint peeling off of a part from when it was bounced in, nothing was visible. I was shocked. I mean I was rammed pretty good. I believe I was truly lucky and blessed. I don't know if the stress of not having a vehicle would have been good for me right now. Thank you God for that.

Other than that I am still dreading going back to work on Tuesday and being on call starting Friday. Some of my cases are literally dragging me down. But I do feel blessed to have it, but it is not something I would do for the rest of my life.

Amazing the difference!

Yesterday was just horrible. I won't go in to the details but generally it was just bad, I blame it on driving Steven's vehicle instead of my own. It was just bad luck, lol. I am sure a lot more had to do with the weather being so dreary and of couse starting out almost getting hit by a vehicle that morning. Anyway I spent 2 hours last night just stressing over my job and the day. Didn't get the best of sleep last night either. Yesterday was also the first night of class for this semester, luckily I think I will like that class. It's my official diagnosis' class or Psychopathology. So now I can tell you people what it is exactly you have, lol. Because of class starting I traded a co-worker my days on call during school for two of her days so that I wouldn't miss any classes. So that does relay some fears. I am also excited that I have officially started my second year in grad school. It should be all down hill from here.

The Fight the Blaze website has added a kids page on it. Fitting I think since it is based on the kids afterall. Not sure if I mentioned earlier or not but there is also a legislation page as well that is new. We also have the law students that are going to do our paperwork so that is also a answered prayer. Well better go, Kieran does screameth.

It's Friday!!!!

And I am so sleepy. This week has drained me. I have agreed to go on call for two days this week and switch my co-worker for the days I will be on call and I have class. I am starting back next week and I really don't want to miss classes so soon after starting them. I go on call on the 20th in 2 weeks...oye! Anyways, today sucked for the most part at work, in the past two days I have recieved over 70 emails regarding work related stuff. And I am supposed to be able to answer them and do my job. Yeah..sure! Kieran went to work with me this morning so her Daddy could go drop off Gage because Kieran had a 103 degree temp and needed to go to the Dr. Well she went and she has a mild case of an ear infection in both ears. They don't seem to be bothering her nor the fever. So the Dr. told us not to give her tylenol unless she starts acting as if it is. She was prescribed some antibiotics. So her little bum will get red i am sure in a day or two. I am so looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. Not sure what else I will be doing if anything besided staying home with the family. But I guess we shall see.

Well, I knew it would be bad!!

The court case I have been dreading since the day I was assigned all of my cases was today. This was the one where the judge would decide whether or not to start seeking termination or continue with reunification. Well it seems I was the only one who was suggesting termination be the new goal. Sadly the judge agreed with me. I say sadly because although it is what I suggested I know that if this does happen it will break these childrens hearts as they are very attached to the parents. But unfortunately love is not enough. To make matters worse Dad has made a threat in earlier weeks saying, "I will not be responsible for what I may do if my children are taken away." Seeing how I was the only one to make that recommendation today and if it does end up that way, if they do hurt someone I am sure I am at the top of their list. Oh well, I am sure in this line of work this will not be the last time this happens. The hearing lasted 3.5 hours so I was literally exhausted at the end.

Steven is hanging with the guys tonight watching the Rose Bowl. Seeing how I could care less about the game I was all for it, of course I had forgotten that it was the same day as this court case. Kieran seems to be coming down with something so she is being extra clingy tonight and of course will not stay asleep. Poor thing, her cheeks look so red, her medicine doesn't seem to make her feel any better. I am hoping tomorrow will be a lot smoother and less stressful. I need it to be.

Happy New Year!!

Well it is officially 2006! Doesn't seem any different yet. This year will be a good year I am hoping. Looking forward to some great things as to come. I am hoping to get the ball rolling on getting the "Jessica's Law" in affect here in Arkansas. That is the Law named after Jessica Lunsford, the little girl that was kidnapped and killed by a convicted sex offender. This law would require all first offense to carry the minimum of 25 years in prison and allow them to be tracked by GPS once they are released. This would stop a lot of sex offenses on children. This has already been passed in some states, unfortunately Arkansas doesn't have the stricktest laws on our sex offenders. Although like I said in my previous post this is not a resolution, as i am not making any this year. I think I will get more important things done if I do not make them official resolutions. SO HERE WE GO! ON TO 2006!!